Hope these get you through the day...
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home!
Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is my roof?
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.